I don’t care about your past…not a damn bit…what concerns me is that….
your past…is still clinging onto you..like a swelling tumor..and it seems that you’re ok with it….I don’t get it….personally I think it’s stupid and really really inappropriate..but hey it’s your life…you call the shots…
when thoughts of unwanted-ness bloom in my brain..
the fleeting sorrow of feeling left-out..I know I am not the one you sought..but we felt the same way nonetheless.even though you tell me otherwise..
I can never shake the feeling that I was just a substitute for the love, overflowing in you..that was bent for someone else..the feeling of being just a proxy…I could never shake that feeling…and sometimes I still wonder…am I still not enough?
Of course I know the answer…an answer to painful to ingest..so I decide to keep it in a box far from the reality that I made for myself…
I can accept the past, your past…but the feelings you still harbor for it….denies me of the peace that I long for….my selfishness will be my undoing..and I know it full well
To feel that same agonizing feeling again..after all this time..has nothing changed?
as my cynicism amplifies, I start to ponder on the same questions I asked myself before..”Am I not enough?”, “What does he have that I don’t?”, “What keeps you from letting go?”. And again, I regress, a sorry bastard like I was back then…without an answer to sate my aching paranoia, finding comfort in the company of songs and false hopes..
“When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn’t make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares still walking. When we hold each other we feel not safe, but better. “It’s all right” we whisper, “I’m here, I love you.” and we lie: “I’ll never leave you.” For just a moment or two the darkness doesn’t seem so bad.”—Neil Gaiman (via endorfins)
“Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”—Mac MacGuff, Juno
a fragile heart’s defense against a deceitful world,
because not all that glitters is gold, not all that shines are stars
and not all stories end well…that’s why I prefer to live in darkness under constant pessimism..hardened by depression and ready for disappointment , rather than in constant optimism…gullible in nature, prone to betrayal….close to martyrdom